He died alone

Death is always present as much as we try to ignore it to block it from our minds it always manages to sneak up on us. Can you ever really prepare for death? Even when you know it’s coming, when it has been made blatantly clear that you are going to lose someone you love can you ever really be ready? He died alone in hospital a man who left behind a wife of 63 years 5 children, 16 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren. I saw him 3 weeks ago and he told me stories of his youth, stories I have never heard before from a man of few words. I wonder if he was trying to adjust his legacy trying to adjust how he would be remembered not only as a man but as a grandfather.

If I were to die tomorrow what would my legacy be, how would I be remembered? My father was a great man. As I stood there in my red dress and looked over the sea of colour before me I wished he could have seen this, the sheer quantity of people whose lives were so affected by my father. The hall overflowed with people shedding tears and memories of his life. Overwhelmed by the love that so many had for a man who was simply just ‘Dad’ made me break down. They call me my father’s daughter however I feel unworthy of such a title you see with his supportive caring nurturing nature he had this way of inspiring people to become the amazing person he felt they were always meant to be. Whenever I doubted myself I would call my father and in mere moments he would have my mood turned so completely around I would burst with pride in myself.

I think I miss that most. It’s been five years since he passed and I feel lost. Days fill with uncertainty as I stumble through the clouded path scraping my knees along the way. I try to picture what he would say what guidance he would offer but he’s been gone too long and my memory is hazy.

He hugged me while I cried, grieving a man I barely knew as his whispers filled my mind telling me that it was ok, he is now at peace and there is no more suffering. He held me with the understanding of someone who had also felt the immense grief of losing someone so close to them. I cried for what could have been; I cried for all the memories I wish I had with a man who was so distant from each member of my family. I cried for the blessing that my father barely resembled his own.

He left for work as I left to work on rebuilding my cracking walls.

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