Still adjusting to actually being friends with my friends-with-benefits I confuse lack of sex and missing his friendship for feelings.
It started at Melbourne Cup with a white-girl-wasted mutual friend explaining that we are both being dickheads by not realising we have feelings for one another. “How would you feel if he slept with someone else?” “He already has and it didn’t bother me, I don’t feel any jealously towards him.” “Ok, well how would you feel if he started dating someone else? What would you say if he said he had feelings for you and wanted something more?” Every possibility rushes through my mind, I try to picture him with someone else, hanging out with him just as a friend no more late nights full of passion where we are left exhausted but so fulfilled. “You not saying anything, you not immediately saying you wouldn’t care if he got a girlfriend like you did when I questioned you about him sleeping with someone else shows that you do.” I’ve never had such fierce words from a blonde beauty shovelling paella into her mouth in an attempt to sober up before.
Friends decipher his words “I think he likes you; He was saying to me how he tells you everything and he’s over being single and how he is a relationship person. I think he thinks that you don’t want it and that’s why he’s playing the friends-with-benefits card.” The ‘Domestic-Goddess’ adds “He’s playing within the rules you set up. Last time you hooked up you made sure he wasn’t getting feelings… so you need to be the one to change the rules again by admitting you have feelings.” More confused than ever my thoughts are clouded and weary, I argue every thought, and I conjure every fear. Do I really want something more? Do I want a relationship with this man?
A few hours in his bed and I am certain. I want nothing more than what we have. I missed him yes, I missed his friendship, I missed his presence and of course I missed the sex but I do not want him. I do not need him to be mine.
“Dan… Actually never mind” Suddenly I feel his body against mine his fingers trace the bottom of my eyes searching for tears that are not there. I feel his body stiffen “You can’t do this anymore can you?” He completely envelopes me as stumble to find the right words “No, it’s not that it’s not that at all. You would tell me if your feelings changed wouldn’t you?” Stroking my arm he responds “Of course. You’re not falling in love with me are you? You did say the other day that you were starting to like me.” I shuffle underneath his arms as my stomach tightens “No I didn’t! I said I find it difficult not to like you sometimes, which is completely different! I just get confused sometimes I think I like you but then I realize that I don’t.” He turns his chest away but keeps his arms firmly around me. “I know what you mean the same thing happens to me, you are much more compatible for me but when we first started this you said it was just casual and you wouldn’t get feelings for me and I was fine with that I made sure my heart was away, I’m emotionally unavailable I have a heart block with being hurt recently and my goals.” I’m not sure if he is holding back, as he turns over I wrap my arms around him in almost a whisper I admit “I know that, you need to be single right now and that’s why I’m careful not to fall for you. You’re my friend before anything and I have a tendency to run, just completely disappear in situations like this but I don’t want to do that to you.”
Is the ‘Blonde Beauty’ right? Am I just protecting myself because I don’t want things to change? I’m happy not being his; I don’t need him to be mine. I completely respect and understand that he needs to be single right now, but if that changed, if he was to enter another relationship would I want it to be with me?