My mind runs a million miles an hour. Analysing every situation over again an again, evaluating each possibility, examining every detail, questioning every motive until I form what I believe to be the truth. Frequently complimented on my insight, they don’t understand this is more a curse than a blessing.
They don’t see that when the figures have all been processed; all I’m left with is the destroying factor of the findings.
With the blind ‘knowledge’ of what will come, I reason that the most ‘logical’ reaction is to run away, to remove myself completely from the situation. It’s not that I‘m selfish or scared, Ok maybe I am a little scared. But I honestly believe that by disappearing from their life, it will make both of ours better, and that by staying I would do more damage than I would fix.
I read somewhere that you shouldn’t be so intense all the time. That people tire of swimming in the deep end and sometimes they need a break in the shallows.
I am the deepest part of the ocean and I fear that those I care for will drown in me. To avoid the drowning’s I use the strength of the water to push them to shore lines as far out of my depths as my strength allows.
“I want to run away. I want to go where nobody knows my name.” “Running won’t accomplish anything darling. Because wherever you run to you take yourself. You can’t run away from your own mind.” I know she’s right. A mother’s wisdom usually is.
Wounded from being continuously dunked on their way to the shallows, they start to believe that maybe I’m right; maybe I am a dangerous factor in their lives, unworthy of their care and affections.
They say ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’. I find ‘I destroy the love I feel unworthy of’ to be more fitting.
It doesn’t take me long to realize I shouldn’t have dunked him. That he was capable of treading water and I was capable of draining mine. But it’s too late. I drowned him in my waves. And now instead of seeing me for what I am, he sees me for what I’m capable of.
I suck back the waves hoping to draw him back. All I accomplish is making my depths appear deeper.
Should I be surprised that words ‘best friend’ dissipate so easily to silence? That the promise of ‘always being a supportive part of each other’s lives’ can be washed away with a few waves.
Hadn’t I foreseen this in my figures? Hadn’t I come to this exact conclusion when analysing the facts?
Didn’t I push him away for the exact reason? Because on running the figures I concluded that he could not handle my friendship. That given the opportunity he would not be there for me, and hurt me again.
Do I dare ask if I was I correct in my findings, or were my actions so damaging I was the cause of creating the reaction I feared most?
Drowning in the depths of my mind I fear it’s the latter.