Finding myself restless I begin to examine details, question everything and find flaws.
I am a chaser of honeymoon periods. Always looking for the greener grass, my attention span is fleeting, I find lengthy commitments suffocating.
I don’t know what it is about the big 1 year that terrifies me so much. As if a 1 year anniversary is the death sentence of passion and the start of something much more terrifying. Stability.
Always under the belief that a relationship could only have one of two things; Passion or Stability. I analysed each relationship certain that the two could never coincide.
Taken men were my research material and whilst stripping I had a lot to study.
As a stripper I was the very embodiment of lust, the ‘what if’ girl, the illusion and the dream. You can take a dream to bed but you can never have an anniversary with it. My ‘relationships’ although sometimes lengthy never left the honeymoon phase and never found stable ground.
I would ask them why they would not leave their partner and even though their answers were all different, they were all the same. “We’ve been together for such a long time.” “I don’t want to hurt her.” “It’s just not the right time, right now to leave. But I will.” But they never did. Slaves to stability they remained on barren shores whilst I ran from park to park squelching my toes in the soft green grass.
After I left the clubs I grew tired of fleeting. I grew tired of ‘one day’ and ‘if only’ and searched for my forever. I thought ‘The Virgin’ was the one. My forever after but just 1 week short of 1 year I choked and left my plans of forever after on a barren shore.
It’s taken me 7 Dan’s, but the 11 month curse is finally broken.
As we hit the 12 month mark the bottoms of my feet began to itch and I looked for dry patches on our lawn. The ever attentive gardener he emptied his watering can of kisses over each surface, planting new seeds of lust in every crevice of dry ground.
I no longer walk on rocks, the ground does not shake beneath my feet. I have never lost my balance.
As I become entwined in the vines of our love I think, Maybe 12 months is just a time frame. Maybe passion can be found on stable ground.