Lately I’ve been feeling the call to change something.
In the past this feeling would make me run, without a second thought I would quit my relationship, my job, and sometimes even the state.
I called this intuition, that on some deep spiritual level I knew I had to get the hell out of there. That clearly I was not on the right path, because the right path never makes you want to run.
I made a home in fear. As it began to seduce me with talks of its protection and strength, I carved out the self-love I held in my stomach, and let it fill me with the dangerous protection of ‘playing it safe’.
Each day fear would ask for more room to grow, ever the faithful mistress I would carve out more parts of myself to make room for its festering ‘protection’ to spread. Self believe dissipated, unconditional love devoured, and yet no matter how much fear would demand, no matter how much it coerced, hope would not leave me.
So entwined with my being, hope told fear it could not abandon its namesake. When my mother blessed me with its name an eternal bond was formed. Fear could take my love, it could take my wonder and my dreams, but it could never rid me of the promise of hope.
It’s been 9 years since I lost my father. It’s been 9 years since I’ve heard his voice, or felt his touch, I ache for his guidance. As I cry with what still feels like the fresh heartache, for not being able to speak with my best friend; I discover his last writings, the last wisdom he was ever able to impart.
“When you live in fear you spend your life playing it safe, you let life push you into submission. You want to win but the fear of failure is greater than the excitement of winning. You chose to play it safe. Due to this your life is always a struggle and you wonder why other people are so lucky.
For luck comes through doing, not fearing.”
I want a life of love. I want a life filled with glorious unordinary moments. A life overflowing with unconditional love, and light. I don’t want to fear my bad days, I want to revel in them.
When I gave fear the reins of my life it didn’t protect me from pain, rather it caused me to drag my mind through each possibility of pain whenever I tried to move forward on my path.
I ran, not from a higher intuition but from truth of living a life without fear, from the false protection of ‘playing it safe’, and from a monumental lack of self-love.
These days when I feel the universe is calling me to change something, I question ‘ Do I need to change something in my life for the progression of my soul? Or do I simply want to run from the residual habits left behind by fear?’
For life, real life comes through doing, not fearing.