For years I searched for god.
Confined in the restrictions of my religion I yearned for him. Desperate to find this god of love I threw myself into my ‘beliefs‘, believing if I did everything they told me to do that somehow he would come to me.
The god of love alluded me, he hid behind expectations of ‘perfect‘ servitude, and shunned me for my wildness.
He told me to give up everything that I am, only when I have stripped myself of my strength of soul, my curious brain, and my accepting nature would he enter.
I spent years moulding myself to his requirements, quieting my voice, and hushing my spirit. I packed away my curious nature, and gave nothing but blind faith.
I found myself in darkness, surrounded by fake friends, submerged in shallow love. Drowning I tried to take my own life. With a mouthful of pills I severed any illusion of love the religion gave me. I was damaged goods, and I would not repent.
Unconditional love glowed from outside the faith, it poured through every crack of doubt, and grew seeds of light.
These so called ‘badassociations‘ gave me more love and support in a few weeks, than the ‘righteousones‘ had given me my whole life.
He met me a year later, jaded by my dealings I wanted no man with ties to the ‘god of love’.
Over three years he has loved me, over three years he has bloomed flowers in my scars. He does not know the meaning of the word judgement, he has never implied my voice is not worthy to be heard, he does not require my submission.
I found god in his eyes.
I found a god that loved me, completely, unconditionally, as an equal. A god who showed me that I was not just a woman but a goddess. Teaching me that a woman should be loved and adored, without expectations or conditions.
A god is not threatened by woman’s moments of greatness, for they know that they do not require women to submit to them. All they require is for their woman to simply love and support them, as they equally love and support women.
Though I have lost my religion, I gained faith in myself and love.