24 is going to be the year I avoid complicated men

Unlike the night of my 23rd birthday I'm keeping my word.

24 years old and I find myself in bed with another Ben. The least complicated of them all, no ex-wife, no kids, no current wife; he does not share his bed with any woman other than myself.

I wonder if this is what it means to be grown up. To date someone without complication, to love another person completely, not sharing their body with another, breaking free from the energy vampires and being with someone who gives as much as they receive.

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A year ago I didn’t want this life.

So closed off to the idea of loving again, I ensured all the men I slept with knew they were disposable. I told them not to fall in love with a girl like me, that other men had walked down that path before and it led to nothing but disaster.

I was not a woman to love.

My attention was fleeting; it was rare to find a man who could entertain my mind for more than few days.

I was a woman to bed.

Never one to be blinded by false words and games I would unravel their soul with my questions. Pulling at their stings with my words until, coming undone in my arms they would finally reveal their true selves.

And my god, there is so much beauty in truth. When the façade falls, when the mask is removed and for a brief moment you get a glimpse of someone’s true self. That is the moment I fell in love with. That is the moment I would crave.

But once I had seen their truth I would tire of them. No longer a mystery I had seen them for who they really were, and I was bored by it.

Aching for my next fix I would leave them for another man, another bed, another moment of truth.

******************

He didn’t come at me like a hurricane; there were no layers to strip back, no game to disassemble, I was not lost in the maze of his mind.

He came to me with honesty, with open hands and an open heart. He did not come promising forever. He never needed to complicate his words to cover his actions. Everything he did was done in truth.

And that was how he broke me. That was how he crumbled my walls; by never giving me any reason to be guarded, I stripped myself of my former games. I gave him my moment of truth.

I cannot claim that this is forever. I do not know if I will share my 25^th birthday with the same man.

All I know is that this year, I really do think I will keep my word.